Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him “Rover” or “Spot”.
I call mine S*x. Now, S*x has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog’s license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for S*x.
He said, “I would like to have one too!”
Then I said, “But she is a dog!”
He said he didn’t care what she looked like.
I said, “You don’t understand. … I have had S*x since I was nine years old.”
He replied, “You must have been quite a strong boy.”
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have S*x at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said, “But S*x has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around S*x.”
He said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.
I told him everyone would enjoy having S*x at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace.
My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for S*x.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for s*x.
I said, “You don’t understand. … S*x keeps me awake at night.”
The clerk said, “Me too!”
One day I entered S*x in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
I told him that I was going to have S*x in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
“You don’t understand,” I said, “I hoped to have S*x on TV.”
He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said, “Your Honor, I had S*x before I was married but S*x left me after I was married.”
The Judge said, “Same here!”
Last night S*x ran off again.
I spent hours looking all over for her.
A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning.
I said, “I’m looking for S*x.” — My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, “What seems to be the trouble?”
I replied, “S*x has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me forever.
I can’t live any longer being so lonely.”
And the doctor said, “Look mister, you should understand that s*x isn’t a man’s best friend so go get yourself a dog.”